I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
