you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
