Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
