I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
