Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
