Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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