Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
P.S. I can't hear my feet
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
