Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
