I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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