why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I was not drunk enough for that final.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
