I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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