Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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