i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
