I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
