Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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