i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
