The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Drunk is a universal language darling
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