I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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