I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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