i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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