I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
How does it feel to date your dad?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
