yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
