watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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