i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
