So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Sext me about skeletons
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
