I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
