tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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