i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
