im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
