how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I smell like Dick and happiness
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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