So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
