I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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