my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
