My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
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