My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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