I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
