im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
