well he's currently spooning the coffee table
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
