dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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