just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize