i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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