A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Randomize
