I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
