I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize