I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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