I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
