she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
