At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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