drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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