I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
