I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
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