Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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