If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
even my farts smell like vagina
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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