hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
