i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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