Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
