Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
