i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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