OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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